if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
