I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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