u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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