woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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