'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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