i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
