I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
