Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize