just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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