no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
