I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
