How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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