Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
