So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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