were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
