Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
