I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
