my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The air was thick with penises
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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