Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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