Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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