Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
