i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
