Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
