i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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