I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
