I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
