I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
