i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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