i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
