Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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