I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
