My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
