i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
