I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
