I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
