i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
