You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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