Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
