i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Found the puke drawer
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
