My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You have to summon your inner elephant
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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