I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
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I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize