You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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