idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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