i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
