The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
