you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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