I wish I only lived at night.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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