Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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