I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
