So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.