so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
