I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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