The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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