a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
