Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just pee around me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
