I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
