I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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