Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
