Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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