I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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